Heartstrings

***HOUSE OF HADES SPOILERS***

Heartstrings

Nico

    Why?

    Why can’t anything ever be right for him? It’s not fair.

    Nico hid his face in the collar of his aviator jacket, feeling the shameful blush heat his deathly pale cheeks.

    It’s wrong – he’s wrong. An abomination, a disgrace to the whole di Angelo family line.

    He didn’t choose to feel this way – did he?

    The son of Hades pulled at his hair as conflicting thoughts tore through his already broken mind. He should be able to control it, stop all these filthy thoughts with a firm command. The way he feels…

    It’s not natural.

    So why couldn’t he stop? Cease the hard looks he shot towards the son of Poseidon? It wasn’t his fault…and yet Nico couldn’t help but think that maybe it was. He’s the one who made the imprint on his impressionable young mind.

    It was him…he made him like this.

    With his sea green eyes and dashing smirk…the way he seemed to radiate power and confidence. Even at their first meeting, he had captured the boy’s heartstrings. Not on purpose, that much was clear. He had unintentionally snagged them, and then without a second glance had turned and walked away, pulling the strings taut and unwillingly dragging him along.

    That is why he hates Percy.

    How could he not realize? That’s what hurt the most. He didn’t even care enough to see through his cold act. Slowly, his emotionless façade had cracked, anger leaking out in greater volumes the longer he went unnoticed. Anger at himself. Anger at him.

    Nico pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head in them, welcoming the sense of dark confinement it momentarily brought.

    Why? Why him? Why Percy?

    A silent tear slipped through his eyes, clenched shut in defiance and ire. Nico wasn’t one to let weakness show, yet this was the one issue that constantly had him feeling powerless and defeated.

    Anger.

    Pain.

    Embarrassment.

    Helplessness.

    The cycle of emotions doesn’t seem to end. The turmoil raging around inside of his skinny frame was enough to incapacitate even the strongest of men. It followed him everywhere, never leaving him alone. Always in the peripherals of his mind, waiting to pounce at his feeblest moment just as Cupid had.

    Nico pressed his fists into his legs as he thought of the love god. Love – pfft. He scoffed indignantly. What did he know about love anyways? He remembered his passing words resentfully.

    ‘Oh, I wouldn’t say Love always makes you happy. Sometimes it makes you incredibly sad. But at least you’ve faced it now. That’s the only way to conquer me.’

    Stupid. The only thing I’ve faced is utter humiliation. Love was supposed to make you strong…and yet he had ran away because of it.

    What Cupid called love, Nico called a weakness; the most savage monster of all.

    He visibly flinched as that thought entered his mind. He was not in love – never was. All he had ever felt was the disappointment and dislike from others, their unwanted stared digging in his back wherever he went. There once was a time when someone loved him, someone who didn’t judge or turn their distrustful gaze upon him. But they were ripped away, and it had all been his fault.

    Yet again his anger piled onto one person.

    Though he had forgiven Percy for failing to protect his sister, he still had remnants of anger coursing through him. He was a child of Hades – he knew how to hold a grudge.

    It was easy to say one thing…but hard to admit you meant something else. Forgiveness? Maybe on the outside, yes. But hatred still existed within him.

    He had told Jason that he was over Percy – had given up on him a long time ago. It was true – he had given up on Percy a long time ago…but was he truly over him? The painful tug at his heart that happened every time he caught him with Annabeth would say no.

    But he was…he had to be. It was painfully obvious that Percy was not interested…he was not…

    An angry sob choked its way up his throat, and he swallowed as much of it as he could. He still couldn’t allow himself to say it. Saying it would just confirm the fears he already knew to be true.

    It’s just not right. He’s not right.

    I don’t belong! I’ll never belong! He screamed defiantly in his mind.

    He was angry, so, so angry. At himself, at Percy, at Cupid, at Annabeth, at Jason, at the Fates, at everybody. He was so confused, he didn’t know where to turn the brunt of it all. He pulled at his hair again in desperation, trying to sort out his thoughts. His fingernails dug into his scalp and he could feel the warmth of blood dibble out and soak into his dark curls. The little pricks of pain did nothing.

    It was Cupid’s fault. Cupid’s fault for interfering in his life and forcing him to feel like this.

    It was Jason’s fault. Jason’s fault for hearing his humiliating confession.

    It was Annabeth’s fault. Annabeth’s fault for taking Percy away from him.

    It was Percy’s fault. Percy’s fault for swaying his thoughts into one’s that should never have existed.

    It was the Fate’s fault. The Fate’s fault for twisting and yanking his thread.

    It was his fault. His fault for feeling this way about everything.

    His fault for being him.

    His fault.

    Another sob tore through Nico as these thoughts tortured him one by one. Tears fell down his face, carving glistening pathways over his still shame induced blush. It wasn’t fair. Wasn’t his life difficult enough without him being a total freak? Couldn’t everyone just leave him alone and let him wallow in his gross, unnatural thoughts?

    It’s my fault. I made myself this way…I shouldn’t blame others for being -- for my problems…the traitorous thought whispered in the deep recesses of his mind. He heard it, but barely. He wasn’t ready to accept that fact. He still had a lot of anger, and he would go insane if he directed it all upon himself. He was already disgusted enough with himself as it is.

    He wasn’t ready to take that next step. Not yet. Jason had told him that nobody would care – they would back him up…that no one would judge him. But he’d been judged all his life. Why should he expect anything different now?

    ‘Dude! It’s not like you’ve got a choice. It’s just who you are.’ **

    Just who I am… No. He just couldn’t accept that.

    ‘But, Nico, you do choose how to live your life.’ ***

    Then why can’t I choose to care about someone else!?

    His internal battle reached its peak. Silence was the only sound resonating through his emotionally battered brain. The unintentional rocking his body had started against the tree that behind him stopped.

    It was his fault, simple as that. He gave into the confession. Though he had said as much before, it was only now starting to sink in.

    It wasn’t Percy’s fault. It wasn’t Percy’s fault, he knew that in the depths of his mind. And yet he couldn’t fully accept it.

    Percy was the one he cared for most…yet he couldn’t forgive the demigod for his unwitting transgression. Not yet. Not until he has forgiven himself.

    Nico remembered his promise to Jason: ‘I’ll help you close the Doors of Death. Then that’s it. I’m leaving – forever.’****

    Maybe with time he’d be able to come to terms with what he is. Maybe, in the future, ‘forever’ will no longer be necessary. He could come back and patch things up…but right now? No…he couldn’t picture that time coming any time soon. He had some large hurdles to overcome first, and truthfully? He couldn’t picture a time when he would ever feel comfortable around Percy.

    As soon as he got Reyna, Coach Hedge, and the Athena Parthenos to Camp Half Blood, he’d leave. His heart strings needed healing, his mind soothing.

    When he’d be back…well, only the Fates could tell you that.